Bathroom (Mis)Behaviour ---
1. Cats don't commit suicide, so I will stop fooling with my humans' razor. If I bat it about in the tub, I am likely to cut my paws, and my human becomes alarmed when she finds bloody paw prints on the bathtub.
2. Even though I think that I'm being considerate by keeping her lap warm on cold mornings, my human doesn't appreciate me jumping up on her lap to continue sleeping while she's using the bathroom.
3. Humans sometimes occupy the toilet for reasons other than to pet me. It is thus unnecessary to paw at the door and loudly vent my complaints if they do not let me into the bathroom with them.
4. I am not a dog. I will not drink out of the toilet. Nor will I try to jump into said toilet.
5. I am not a gerbil, and I do not need to shred the toilet paper to make myself a nest in the bathroom.
6. I do not need to shove my head between my humans' legs to inspect every time she tries to use the toilet.
7. I do not need to sit on my humans' lap every time she is on the potty.
8. I do not need to use the litter box every time my humans cleans it.
9. I must not ambush my brother when he's sitting on the edge of the full bathtub, causing him to fall into the water and lacerate the human's ribs in his panicked attempts to climb out.
10. I must not help myself to Q-tips, and I must certainly not proceed to stuff them down the sink's drain.
11. I promise that, despite living in a household of all women, and in spite of the fact that the lid to the toilet is ALWAYS shut (except when in use), I TRULY will double-check it from now on before jumping up on the toilet to visit with my human while she's getting ready in the morning (boy was that water COLD!).
12. I realize that the human is not trying to get away from me when she closes the bathroom door, so I won't open it [especially] when we have guests.
13. I should appreciate that my human cleans and refills my water dish every day. I should not hide behind the shower curtain to jump up and claw and bite her on the scalp when she bends over to do this.
14. I will get over my fascination with the shower and bathtub. I don't know what those crazy people think they're doing in there, but trying to find out usually gets me wet.
15. I will happily jump into the bathtub and enjoy being lathered and scrubbed.
16. I will not "hide" Q-tips or any of the cat-toys in the toilet and try to get them out while it is being used.
17. I will not "sympathetic potty" every time my human is on the potty, or if I do, I will limit it to a whiz.
18. I will not act hurt when my human and her boyfriend laugh hysterically at me for jumping straight up from the bathroom sink and almost hitting the ceiling to get away from the dog that my human is graciously babysitting. I never should have escaped from the bedroom in the first place.
19. I will not attack my humans while she is shaving. If I must, I will not wait until she gets to an ankle or a knee to swat her hand. This will only result in copious amounts of water being thrown on me and a very mad human. (My cat, Celina, does this almost every time she comes into the bathroom while I'm shaving. I consequently have quite a few scars on my legs.)
20. I will not beg for a glass of water while my human is brushing her teeth and then not drink any when I get it.
21. I will not beg to be let into the bathroom while my human is taking a shower and then yowl incessantly while she's in there because she won't let me out.
22. I will not bite my human on the rear while she is sitting on the Big White Drinking Bowl.
23. I will not blame my human when I fall in a tub full of water. She warns me and I just don't listen.
24. I will not blame the human if I slip and fall into the toilet while getting a drink. It is well known that 'blue' is my favourite flavor for water.
25. I will not carry a roll of toilet paper onto the living room rug and shred it beyond recognition because my humans went to a movie after work.
26. I will not chew up the toilet seat in the middle of the night. (A great surprise for the unsuspecting human to sit on in the dark).
27. I will not climb into my human's dropped pants/shorts/briefs while he is sitting on the toilet.
28. I will not commence biting my human's toes when she exits the shower.
29. I will not crawl into my human's pants when she is going to the bathroom.
30. I will not dive bomb anyone taking a shower.
31. I will not do an especially stinky job in the litterbox when my human has just gotten into the shower, so she is stuck with the smell for 15 minutes.
32. I will not drink my human's bathwater, especially when it's a bubble bath.
33. I will not drink out of the toilet just because my water dish isn't the size I want it too be.
34. I will not drink the bathwater while my human is taking a bath.
35. I will not drink the water in the toilet anymore because in my old age, I am becoming rather clumsy and have occasion to fall in!
36. I will not dump the bathroom garbage can, and bat the dirty Q-Tips all around the bathroom, then try to eat them. My human says this is dangerous and disgusting.
37. I will not fall in the toilet watching the water swirl.
38. I will not fling my furry little kitten-body at the shower curtain, hook my claws into its plastic surface, and slide down the curtain, tearing it in half like a miniature Errol Flynn, and do it again as soon as I hit the ground, turning my human's $40 designer shower curtain into vertical blinds. I will not do the exact same thing with the next three shower curtains, forcing my human to decorate in Early Poverty with curtains from the dollar store.
39. I will not flush the toilet while my human is in the shower.
40. I will not go screaming into the bathroom and proceed to swat my 15lb older brother on the butt while he's standing on the edge of a full bathtub causing him to almost fall in and land on my human's 9 month pregnant tummy, claws extended.
41. I will not hang my tail into the bathtub, and then shake water all over the room.
42. I will not have an insane Cujo-jealous-hissy-fit at my human and the other cat because they are in the bathroom together with the door closed. The only extra attention that she is giving to the other cat is a bath and blow-dry, the very things I don't like. And hissing at them for that for two days just gets me my own bath and blow-dry!
43. I will not hide behind the commode so that I can pat the human on the backside when he sits down just to make him levitate.
44. I will not hide behind the curtains next to the toilet so that I can leap in the lap of the next person foolish enough to come in the bathroom and sit down on the commode without turning on the lights.
45. I will not hide behind the shower curtain when my human is bathing