Poland's worst air disaster occurred today when a small two-seater Cessna
plane crashed into a cemetery early this afternoon near Krakow.
Polish search and rescue workers have recovered 326 bodies so far and expect
that number to climb as digging continues into the evening.
Jimmy received a parrot for Christmas. The parrot was fully grown, with very
bad attitude and worse vocabulary.
Every other word was an expletive; those that weren't expletives were, say the
least, rude. Jimmy tried to change the bird's attitude by constantly saying
polite words, playing soft music... anything he could think of. Nothing worked.
He yelled at the bird, and the bird got worse. He shook the bird, and the bird
got madder and more rude. Finally, in a moment of desperation, Jimmy put the
parrot in the freezer. For a few moments he heard the bird swearing, squawking,
kicking and screaming and then, suddenly, there was absolute quiet.
Jimmy was frightened that he might have actually hurt the bird, and quickly
opened the freezer door.
The parrot calmly stepped out onto Jimmy's extended arm and said, "I'm sorry
that I offended you with my language and my actions, and I ask your forgiveness.
I will endeavor to correct my behavior".
Jimmy was astounded at the changes in the bird's attitude and was about to ask
what had changed him, when the parrot continued, "May I ask what the Chicken did?"
Little Johnny & the Whiskey Experiment
A professor of chemistry wanted to teach his 5th grade class a lesson about the evils of liquor, so he produced an experiment that involved a glass of water, a glass of whiskey, and two worms.
"Now, class. Observe closely the worms," said the professor putting a worm first into the water. The worm in the water writhed about, happy as a worm in water could be. The second worm, he put into the whiskey. It writhed painfully, and quickly sank to the bottom, dead as a doornail.
"Now, what lesson can we derive from this experiment?" the professor asked.
Johnny, who naturally sits in back, raised his hand and wisely, responded, "Drink whiskey and you won't get worms."
There were three Medieval kingdoms on the shores of a lake. There was an island in the middle of the lake, which the kingdoms had been fighting over for years. Finally, the three kings decided that they would send their knights out to do battle, and the winner would take the island. The night before the battle, the knights and their squires pitched camp and readied themselves for the fight.
The first kingdom had 12 knights, and each knight had 5 squires, all of whom were busily polishing armor, brushing horses, and cooking food.
The second kingdom had 20 knights, and each knight had 10 squires. Everyone at that camp was also busy preparing for battle.
At the camp of the third kingdom, there was only one knight, with his squire. This squire took a large pot and hung it from a looped rope in a tall tree. He busied himself preparing the meal, while the knight polished his own armor.
When the hour of the battle came, the three kingdoms sent their squires out to fight (this was too trivial a matter for the knights to join in).
The battle raged, and when the dust cleared, the only person left was the lone squire from the third kingdom, having defeated the squires from the other two kingdoms.
Thus proving that the squire of the high pot and noose is equal to the sum of the squires of the other two sides!
One day in the Garden of Eden, Eve calls out to God, "Lord, I have a problem!"
"What's the problem, Eve?"
"Lord, I know you've created me and have provided this beautiful garden and all
of these wonderful animals, and that hilarious comedic snake, but I'm just not happy."
"Why is that, Eve?" came the reply from above.
"Lord, I am lonely and I'm sick to death of apples."
"Well, Eve, in that case, I have a solution. I shall create a man for you."
"What's a 'man,' Lord?"
"This man will be a flawed creature, with many bad traits. He'll lie, cheat, and
be vainglorious; all in all, he'll give you a hard time. But, he'll be bigger,
faster, and will like to hunt and kill things. He will look silly aroused, but
since you're complaining, I'll create him in such in a way that he will satisfy
your ah, physical needs. He'll be witless and will revel in childish things like
fighting and kicking a ball about. He won't be too smart, so he'll also need your
advice to think properly."
"Sounds great," says Eve, with an ironically raised eyebrow. "What's the catch, Lord?"
"Yeah, well ... you can have him on one condition."
"What's that, Lord?"
"As I said, he'll be proud, arrogant, and self-admiring, so you'll have to let
him believe that I made him first...So, just remember...it's our secret...Woman-to-woman!"
A dad walks into the market followed by his ten-year-old son. The kid is spinning a 25 cent piece in the air and catching it between his teeth. As they walk through the market someone bumps into the boy at just the wrong moment and the coin goes straight into his mouth and lodges in his throat.
He immediately starts choking and going blue in the face and Dad starts panicking, shouting and screaming for help. A middle-aged, fairly un-noticeable man in a gray suit is sitting at a coffee bar in the market reading his newspaper and sipping a cup of coffee. At the sound of the commotion he looks up, puts his coffee cup down on the saucer, neatly folds his newspaper and places it on the counter. He gets up from his seat and makes his unhurried way across the market. Reaching the boy (who is still standing, but only just) the man carefully takes hold of the kid's testicles and squeezes gently but firmly. After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs up the 25 cent piece, which the man catches in his free hand.
Releasing the boy, the man hands the coin to the father and walks back to his seat in the coffee bar without saying a word. As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no lasting ill-effects, the father rushes over to the man and starts effusively thanking him. The man looks embarrassed and brushes off the father's thanks.
As he's about to leave, the father asks one last question: "I've never seen anybody do anything like that before - it was fantastic - what are you, a surgeon or something like that?"
Oh, good heavens no," the man replies "I work for the IRS."